open ocean

i am learning to accept
thoughts of love coming
and love going
and the raw experience of
releasing hope
suspended in the tension of opposites
every which-way, like moorings
breathing in, breathing out
alone in all directions
as far as i can see

and understanding that nobody really calls the shots
all these comings and goings are choreography
inside a larger design
than my little chip can integrate
being so small and impossibly packaged
with operating instructions
coded in Life's own hand
carefully tri-folded in nine dimensions
and dangled like a baited hook
for the curious mind
to tease itself awake

and i am beginning to accept
that even were i to ask
the answer is ineffable
because nobody knows what's cooking
in the Mama's kitchen
although we all have our ideas
and finely honed opinions
all shined up and proper
looking for all the world like our best sunday suit
so certain are we of our verities

but in my experience there is just me here, breathing
through these hollow tubes
and my spindle of mirrors a story-generator
a wheel of dreams
and my long lines of resonance
trilling my spine with sensation
triggering states of open-to-closed
and responses from flow-to-recoil

so i watch the movie
and my body reacts
i change the channel
and my body reacts
always a dance
first this, then that

i imagine this alone place
and i sit with the feelings
again and again and again
so now it becomes the main story
with death the only outcome
no hope, no expectations
can spin this wheel away
when my hand is so strong on the tiller

so me and my little dinghy
head out to open water
black beneath the stars
and my heart thrills to the adventure
of entering the mystery
just me and me
blessing all the gifts that are given
the gentle nudges and wave-slap on my hull
reminding me that i have position and properties
that feed back to the ocean
which feeds back to me
what i need of my coordinates
and movement along these continuums
and i see many dinghies
with solitary captains
all rowing alone
together

and my spine trills to the sadness
spreading like oil upon the water
and i wonder how we ever truly meet
with all that lies between us
so much space
so empty
yet so full

so you and i
can never really know each other
even as we remain a mystery to ourselves
your words impart meanings you do not intend
as my mind spindles your thoughts into my movie
unless i am very careful
and able to embrace the one certainty
that there is none

so now
i am coping
i am learning
and letting go

and full of gratitude
and wonder
that we ever touch at all
even for a moment
and wonder at how beautiful the dream
that would set my sail so surely
to tack so hard into the wind
bearing your scent
and this other dream, now
that steadies me in the water
opens me to the silent spaces
while the storms recede
and the rocking of the waves
and the lullaby of the deeps
cradle me
and sing me awake